Healthy multigenerational living = a reprieve

by Kanesha

As busy and working parents, hubby and I know uninterrupted time with our children is a luxury and a priority. As I’ve mentioned before with our multigenerational household, hubby and I make a point to create a space for nuclear family time.

This weekend we decided to head to the mountains and rent a rustic cabin. We wanted some private time, with just the four of us, to play, create, maintain connections and *unplug.

The rustic cabin. There were 3 beds, a table with 4 folding chairs, a ceiling fan-light and electricity.

When I asked my 11-year-old what she thought about this trip, she said,

“It’s important for us break-up our multigenerational family time because you get to do big family stuff and then spend independent time with fewer family members. You get a chance to do different things and just take a little time off. I don’t know. It’s just a good idea to have the breaks.”

My kiddos dancing and playing with the AEROBIE.

In Tips for Multigenerational Households, Elizabeth Mullins said something similar:

“Figure out what is family time, personal time and big extended family time. For instance, we like to all have dinner together a few nights a week but my daughter, husband and I still want a few nights just to ourselves.”

For our nuclear family getaway, my mother-in-law helped us prepare by grocery shopping, helping with the laundry, and purchasing craft supplies.

We love Cherrybrook Kitchen’s products! This is a great food solution for my son’s allergies and the food is tasty!

We had these chicken apple sausages for lunch. Delicious!

Craft supplies for our wreath

Blue Bloods – a multigenerational show to watch

  

Tom Selleck and me, circa 2003

 

Television is not a huge priority in our house – we only have one.  I do not watch a lot shows; Mad Men and Parenthood are at the top of my list and of course, my alma mater’s football games.  I am NOT a fan of most reality TV shows.  I would rather be subjected to bodily injury than watch any of the Real Housewives series.  But, one new Fall show got my attention for two reasons: it is a show about a multigenerational family and it stars Tom Selleck.   

Many of my friends will recall my flat-out obsession with Tom Selleck when he starred in Magnum, P.I.  (Perhaps this is a better memory for me than them?  I can almost make out the eye-rolling as I write this.)  And later, when I was in college (as luck would have it, it was the same university from which he graduated) I met him several times when he attended alumni events – moments I will never forget.  And no – my dear college friends – no need to re-live my insanity at the alumni volleyball game that occurred the same day of  his birthday – a fact that no one knew but me… 

So when I heard about Blue Bloods – well, you can imagine that there was no way I was going to miss it.  I liked it – but not for the reason that you might think.   

It was an interesting storyline – family of police officers, with Tom Selleck the Chief of Police in NY.  He has four adult children, one son having recently been killed in the line of duty.  His only daughter is a district attorney.   Two other sons are on the police force. 

But it was the family-themed, (do not read this as poltically conversative please…) many generations close together every day, that got me.  And in particular, the family dinner with 4, count them 4, generations sitting down to a meal on a Sunday night that was eerily familiar.  

Does this sound like any dinner you have had with family before?…Lots of people in the kitchen, differing opinions among the adult kids and some snipping among parents, children and even grandchildren.  People up and down from the table, one person leaving early, and at some point, alcohol was located and consumed to provide some relief. 

Sounds about right….  Families are complex and people disagree and things can get a bit, shall we say, testy.  But family is non-negotiable in my book and for them it seems, too.  

Blue Bloods has been added to my TV list – and apparently, I am not the only one who liked the show – it reeled in the viewers on Friday night.  Tom Selleck is a big draw for me but it was really fun to watch the family dynamics and see how often I said, “I get that….”

a multigenerational business – I love it!

Who among the female readers of this blog do not love purses?  I sure the heck do and in Superior, CO, where I live, there is a local mom who gets my business.  Beth Shogrin is owner of Biscuit Bags.  She has an amazing eye for mixing patterns and colors and I love her creations – different sizes, styles, fabrics – her work is fabulous!

For mother’s day this year, I got my mom one of her waterproof bags – perfect for aquatics workouts and lazy days at the pool.  And I have given friends a variety of different bags – totes to evening bags.  And while talking with Beth one day, I learned that her Mom is a part of her business!  Viola – a multigenerational business!

To honor another aspect of multigenerational lifestyles, Beth has graciously offered a reader of our blog a $50 credit towards one of her bags.  And dare I say what you are probably already thinking – the holidays are around the corner and it is never too early to think about gifts for the fashionable (or not so fashionable) women in your life! 

To enter the drawing, leave a comment below and share the following:
“What is the oddest thing that you carry in your purse?”

The drawing will be held on September 25.  Good luck!

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

My neighbor Michele – also living in a full nest..

Have you ever noticed that when something changes in your life, you invariably start running into people who have had a similar experience or someone knows someone who has had the same thing happened, etc?  Like attracts Like?  Now, I don’t want to sound new-agey or like a devotee of The Secret, but I have to admit, this is happening to me more and more when I tell people that my parents live with me and my family.  

Case in point, I only found out within the last year that a neighbor down the street, whom I have known for about three years, shares her home with her husband, kids and mom.  See? 

So, in a continuation in our series of conversations with people who live in a multigenerational home, let me share some of the insights on multigenerational living from my friend Michele. 

MICHELE’S NEST: married, two kids, and one husband.  Sounds typical, but she also shares her home with her mom and has been for six years.  This is actually, for her family, also quite typical. 

Michele’s family is of Polish decent and she says that generations living in the same home is the norm.  And in particular, it is the women who take care of the women.  Michele’s mom even said to her not long after Michele had her daughter, “A daughter is your daughter for the rest of your life, a son is your son till he takes a wife.”

HISTORY:  Turns out that Michele’s grandmother moved into her childhood home not long after losing her husband and she recalls with clarity her grandmother cooking and being an part of her adolescence.  

So when Michele and her husband decided to move west, she naturally asked her mom to join them – good thing her husband is a fan of his mother in law.  Her mom, single, was close to retirement age and it “just made sense.” 

UPSIDE:  Michele loves that her kids get more time with their grandmother, but she also appreciates that her kids have learned tolerance for people who are “older.”  They have a meal together about once a week – Michele’s mom still works part-time in the evening and is quite active so she does not feel like her mom is dependent on her. 

Living together is a safety net – Michele knows that in a pinch, her mom will help out with her kids and her mom loves doing it.  This is a recurring comment among the people I know who live in multigenerational homes. 

OCCASIONAL DOWNSIDE – she and her husband cannot really get into arguments – and this can be hard, she says.  She does not feel the freedom to yell and holler – not that she thinks that is a good thing, but she does not want her mom to hear marital disagreements.  (I totally know how she feels!)  

ADVICE:  Be ready to hold your tongue – and realize people do not change.  This is a concept that you might have to explain, and often, to children or your spouse.  If it is your parent, like in both of our cases, we know our parents subtle ways of communication, when they are angry or frustrated, etc.  Kids and our spouses do not have the benefit of years and years of living with our parents and being able to read these signs.  Patience is the key.  

And finally, you must be respectful of your parents’ needs and the choices they make.  Living together does not give either the adult child or the parent the right to interfere with the way in which either chooses to live.

WRAP UP:  After about 40 minutes of talking, it was obvious that there are many similarities between Michele and me – we could have talked for hours about the unique challenges we both face in our homes.  But again and again, both of us returned to the fact that despite these challenges, neither of us would change the fact that we share our home with our parents.

Multigenerational carpooling- what a blessing!

There are times, as I am sure you could imagine, that living with my parents is a blessing.  And as I am sure you can imagine, there are times when it makes me, well, a little bonkers.    

At school pick up time, especially the beginning of the year – it is always a blessing.   

The assessment days, back to school nights, parent conferences, meetings, school supply shopping, clothes shopping – could the start of the school year get any more time consuming?  There is one thing I never worry about, though, and that is how my kids get home from school.   

The most punctual man on the planet, my father, is in charge of picking up our two kids at the end of the school day.  And come hell or high water or snow storms – he is always there to bring them home.    

I know this because I hear from many of our friends that my dad is consistently the first in the pick-up line – they all know his red SUV and my kids’ teachers tell me he is in the same place, every day, eager for them to come out of class.     

Image via Wikipedia

 

Here is his M.O. – he gets to school at least 20 minutes ahead of time because he detests waiting in line.  He listens to ESPN radio on XM while he waits, and on occasion, gets a couple of minutes of shut-eye.  (No, talking to him about the fact that he is still waiting in line – just at the front of the line, is meaningless.)      

My husband and I have asked repeatedly if my parents would prefer to set up a carpool for pick up, like the morning drop-off.  The resounding answer is “no.”     

Here is why – my dad LOVES picking up my kids from school.  He enjoys knowing that he is helping out is a very big way but he also gets to hear about their day, and has them all to himself for at least the ride home.  Because as soon as they are home, they play with neighbors, climb trees in the yard, and ride their bikes.  And occasionally, he breaks the rules and takes them for a doughnut.  ARGH!    

On the first day of school, my husband and I were there for drop-off and pick-up.  But from day two on, it has been my dad.  When I asked my dad how the pick-up went for my son on day 2, who had just started Kindergarten, a big smile came over his face.  Here is what he said: “I was waiting right by the kindergarten door and he came out and saw me – and gave me a huge smile!  And you know how I love seeing him smile.  It was just awesome.”    

I would say that it would be a cold day in hell before anyone else gets to pick up my kids from school…  What a blessing!   

a computer, a placenta and mosquitoes – there is a thread here, I promise….

A recent post on WordPress about the 10 most idiotic parenting products, which included a teddy bear made from a placenta – no, I am not kidding – got me thinking about the crap I bought as a newbie parent (wipe-warmer at the top of the list) and the useless crap I have bought my kids… (too many things to list)

The very next day, my mom said she thought my kids, entering KG and 2^nd this fall, would get more use out of her computer than she would and she wanted to move it upstairs.  The placenta post and the computer made me wonder what in the world I did for entertainment when I was little?

So, Sunday night, when we have “family dinner” with my parents, I asked them what I played with when I was little.

As I am 43, it took my mom a while to think back and come up with a list.

Mom recalled that I did not like dolls, Barbie or otherwise.  But I loved to read and draw on my “etch a sketch,” played tons of card and board games like Old Maid and Monopoly, Clue and Battleship, invented elaborate make-believe games with neighborhood pals, and competed in a lot of sports – tennis, swimming, kick-ball and ping-pong.

To which I replied, “but what about when I was really little – too young to walk, barely old enough to crawl?  Did I have an exer-saucer, a kick-n-play, a special red/white/black padded mat to lie on that had a mobile arched over me, an automatic baby swing?”

No, no, no, no and no.  I had a play-pen with some stuffed animals – as did every other child born in 1967.

At the dinner table, in-between bites, my kids were amazed, listening to how I spent my time growing up.  We did not have a Wii, Xbox, computer, or other electronic toys.  We had a relatively small collection of games and toys that were contained in our bedrooms – certainly not a “playroom.”  I am not sure my kids would have really believed of such a simple childhood if their grandmother had not confirmed it.

One of the major benefits of having my parents live in our house is the perspective conversations like this give my kids.  It is important to me that they have some idea of the past – and that they hear about it from their grandparents makes it real to them.  If you are a parent, you know what I am talking about  – the familiar roll of the eyes, telling you, “mom, I am really not listening to you…”  That never happens when my mom tells my kids what’s what.

So, it is entirely appropriate that after dinner my kids asked if they could stay inside and play on the computer.  To which my husband and I responded, “No, go in the backyard and play.”

They obeyed and went to their special tree for the better part of an hour – they continued their make-believe game about Tom and Jerry and my daughter, who is catnip for mosquitoes, came in with several whopper bites.

Now, that sounds familiar – just like when I was a kid…

First week of work – complete! Totally exhausted and guilt free!

It’s Saturday! Hallelujah!

Last Monday, I returned to work after my four-week July vacation. It was brutal re-entry, but I survived my first week and it was totally guilt free! Monday morning was a “Let’s get Kanesha up and ready” team effort.

Hubby helped me get out of bed so I could go on my morning walk. My daughter and hubby made sweet “back to work” cards for me. Hubby made breakfast for all of us, and a healthy lunch for me. My mother-in-law made some high-octane coffee for my travel mug (no Folgers), and my son did not protest when I left for work. Everything was moving along well.

There is nothing wrong with my job and I enjoy most of it quite a bit. I even have a “newer” job this year and a very long new title. The challenge with me going back to work is that it completely changes, topples, dismantles, upsets, drives (I could keep going)…the flow and balance of  our household.

Our world becomes more structured. More lists and checklists are constructed. Details of schedules and stuff to do have to be minded. The family calendar must be updated and maintained.

I had to laugh at the family calendar last Sunday. I went to look at it and noticed it was STILL on June and had not been updated. I could barely see the calendar on the bulletin board. Why?

Because it was summer.

All of this “back to work” prep could drive any working mother into a tailspin of feeling massive guilt. I refuse to fall back into that line of thinking, especially since I have a well-functioning and supportive multigenerational household.

A few weeks ago, I was reading an issue of Working Mother (at the pool). The article that jumped out at me was Anatomy of Guilt by Ilisa Cohen. The article dissects the various factors and influences that lead working women (not men) to feel guilty about balancing their families, careers and time for themselves.

I used to feel this guilt all the time and it was not good. As the article states, guilt can make you ill. Guilt can tamper with your ability to sleep well. Your weight may fluctuate because the guilt may cause you to over or under-eat. You may become tense which can lead to digestive problems (especially if you are feeling too guilty to make time to get to the gym). It’s hard to focus on things when you are feeling guilty. This is magnified if you are feeling guilty about being a good mother.

I did experience many of these guilt ailments before my mother-in-law moved in with us. I struggled with figuring out how to be super at all the things I was trying to do. I asked my hubby once, before our second child was born, “Do you ever feel guilty about going to work and being away from home?” He looked at me like I asked him if I could take Hugh Jackman as my lover. Ok, I’m exaggerating a bit, but hubby did give me a strange look.

His response, “Why would I feel guilty about going to work? People have to work. That’s just how it is. I’m being productive. Why would I feel guilty?” Hmmm…oh, ok!

Since my mother-in-law has been living with us, I feel like I have a great team for managing a busy, productive, healthy and fun lifestyle. The kids are not over-scheduled. We have dinner together almost every night. If I need to work late, I know the kids are at home with my mother-in-law (and sometimes hubby) having fun and getting their needs met. I do not have to bend my schedule to attend all the during the day school events because my husband, mother-in-law and I rotate our attendance, and we often videotape the events so we’re not missing out.

My son climbed into my lap, last Sunday, and told me he would miss me “gynormously” when I went back to work. (He learned that word watching Charlie and Lola.) That made me feel loved, but not guilty. I reminded him that my mother-in-law had a fun week planned for him and they could call, email and text me if he had something urgent to report while I was at work. He thought that was great and he said he would be waiting for me, on the porch, so he could give me an after work hug. And when I got home, there was my son and mother-in-law, rocking in the rocking chairs and happy to greet me after my first day of work.

One work week done. A bazillion more to go!

Oh, and we updated the calendar. I’m still rearranging that bulletin board…

Mad Men premiere – multigenerational prep and party (Nope, no spoilers!)

I love Sundays, my girlfriends, great food, tasty cocktails, scandalous chatter and the lusciously deceptive Don Draper.

The season 4 premiere of Mad Men has come and gone, and I’m still thinking about it.

I have this awesome group of girlfriends who I hang out with every Sunday night. We’ve been doing this since 2004. We started off as a group of six, but now we are down to our group of four, multigenerational (3 boomers and 1 gen-xer), fun-loving, adventurous, and fast-moving women.

In July 2007, when I was home alone, exhausted with a new baby, and practically brain-dead, I stumbled uponAMC’s new show, Mad Men. Talk about a quick pick me up – Don Draper and all his glorious badness. The glamour, parties, historical references, and brilliant writing… Oh yes, this was my kind of show!

"Kanesha" going to work at Sterling Cooper

Fast forward to July 2008. I had been yapping and yapping to my Sunday night crew about Mad Men all year-long, and they were not hearing me. (Heck, I had been yapping about Mad Men to anyone who would listen! I wanted to get everybody hooked!)

My girlfriends wanted to stick with the show that got our Sunday-evening rendezvous started in the first place, Desperate Housewives. I knew I had to be strategic if I was going to assist them in going gaga over Mad Men. I invited them over, provided good food, lots of great wine and made them watch, on DVD, the first two episodes of season 1. They were hooked – and now here we are in 2010 – still hooked. I’ve even “Mad Men” myself.

This summer, we all had the homework of re-watching season 3 before July 25. Some episodes we watched together, but we mostly followed the honor code of Mad Men devotion and expected we’d all be current with previous happenings and major incidents.

From my multigenerational lens, the episode from season 3 that got me extra emotional, and kind of enraged was Episode 2: Love Among the Ruins.

Recap (and I really wish I could find video clip):

When Don arrives home, Betty says William has given her two options: Put Gene in a home or have Judy care for him. Don pulls William aside and delivers an ultimatum. William will support his father financially, and Gene will live with Don and Betty. Gene’s house will remain untouched. William acquiesces. “So the animals are running the zoo,” Gene remarks after learning his fate.

Uhm…this is not the way I think making multigenerational living arrangements should go down. Living with family members or having them live with you is complicated and can be stressful if you do not handle it well. A lot of things have to be negotiated and the more you talk about things in the beginning, the better the transition will be. You may also find out multigenerational living will not work for your situation, and that’s OK too.

I do not have siblings, but I’ve watched and listened to my hubby have some interesting conversations with his siblings about our multigenerational situation. It all came down to some miscommunication and folks not being in the loop. As grown ups, we do want to be in charge of ourselves, but when people feel left out, clear thinking goes right out the door. People cannot be forced to agree with a multigenerational living set-up, but talking things out, utilizing resources, and perhaps having a mediator is a step in the right direction.

Back to the season 4 party:

My mother-in-law made this awesome and reversible apron!

I’ve mentioned before, I dabble in domesticity and I really meant that – dabble. I can cook, no problem, but my fine cuisine mostly comes from recipes, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I also like to look the part when I’m cooking, so I wear my “couture” aprons (hand-sewn and designed by my mother-in-law) along with my pearls. Yes, I’m channeling my inner Julia.

My mother-in-law knows and understands how important my Sunday nights out are, and she usually asks me what food item(s) I plan to take  and offers assistance as needed. Yes, I’m super lucky!

I have to confess, I bought this bag of Utz while I was traveling on the east coast. They did not last until the premiere. 😦

So instead – I was in charge of the dessert, olives, and party favors for this year’s Mad Men premiere.

I made lime-infused coconut pound cake, which is a favorite  in our multigenerational household. (Sorry, mother-in-law, I know you are cutting back on sugar. I should be too!)

The recipe is in the Holiday Baking – Better Homes and Gardens Special Interest Publications – 2007. Let me know if you want the recipe. 🙂

When I’m making desserts, I need to fully concentrate. I’ve been known to leave out an ingredient, or two, if I become distracted.

Hubby and my mother-in-law did a great job keeping the 3 year-old-occupied while I baked, and they would also do an ingredient roll call.

I thought it was an excellent idea (and super cute) to make mini-bundt cakes so that everyone could have their own, but they turned out horribly. (Nope, I did not take a picture of that disaster!)

Oh well!

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

What the ladies and I feasted on:

• Champagne
• Olives
• Almonds
• Smoked salmon
• Salad
• Cherry salsa (with various types of chips)
• Lime-infused coconut pound cake

The evening was grand and we ate too much. I’ve watched Episode 1: Public Relations three times already. (What? I’m still on vacation. Thank you, TiVo!) I’m looking forward to episode 2/season 4 this coming Sunday, and hanging with my great girlfriends.

I’ll let you know what I cook up with this week. And based on how the mini-cakes turned out, I may be cooking side-by-side with my mother-in-law. There’s nothing wrong with a little supervision!

Multigenerational Living – the family calendar

For any working parent, the issue of time is important. Time to wake up, get to work, make meetings, home for dinner, etc.

Well, for people who are retired, staying on a schedule can be less of an issue.  And when retired people live with those who work, this can be both a blessing and a challenge.

The blessing is that my retired parents have time on their hands to enjoy their grandkids, be present in the moment, and for the most part, not worry about where they need to be.  (Though they remain militant about the evening news – do all people over 65 have to hear every word Brian Williams utters starting at exactly 5:30?)

I marvel at and am grateful for the fact that my dad can sit in the playroom for hours with my son and work on his trains, and that my mom will sit with my daughter as she reads, or bakes with the kids and lets them hold the hand-mixer, measure ingredients, etc.

The challenge can occur when their less rigorous schedule comes in contact with our daily careers.

My husband and I have days that can be a little unpredictable and “on-the-fly” changes to our schedule can be tough on my parents.  Anyone with a 5 and 7 year old knows there is a certain amount of fluidity to any day, but my mom and dad, though they have all the time in the world, appreciate a certain predictability.  They like to know what to expect. (And I fully admit, this is a facet of MY parents, others might be far more free-wheeling.)  I can tell it frustrates them when I call and say I am running late – hell, it frustrates me, too.

The one thing that keeps me sane is our family calendar. I actually love printing it out and giving it to my dad because he will examine it thoroughly and ask questions about deviations to the schedule – “should we get the kids dinner this night?” or “your mom has a doctor’s appt this day so we can’t pick up the kids from school” or “really – you are traveling to the upper peninsula of Michigan for work?”

This seems to be the one tool that puts them at ease – if it is written down, they know what is happening.  In fact, it is not uncommon for my dad to remind me of things on the calendar.

So, as the new school year is approaching, I am getting organized and updating the family calendar – maybe you are, too?  This will, in the end, save everyone a headache and should allow my parents to watch the evening news regularly – for which I can only say – thank goodness – we would all suffer otherwise.  😉

a multigenerational approach to parenting

Before I get started on this subject, which could be sensitive, let me say that my family is pretty basic – college graduates, married, kids, careers, etc.  I am sure that my 2 brothers and I recall “incidents” from our childhood that were yuck – but overall – our childhood was fun and it was good – we love each other.

We were lucky for many reasons – our parents were focused on our education, we traveled and participated in ballet/sports/after school stuff and they were supportive of us – even though we sometimes acted as if we had not a brain in our heads.  My dad had little patience for bad grades or behavior, but my mom rarely raised her voice and often ran interference with my dad when we took stupidity to a new level. 

So here we are in 2010, my husband, our 2 kids, and my parents all sharing a house.  There are bound to be differences in the way my husband and I raise our children in comparison to the way in which I was raised, right?  Our ages alone would suggest that “when our kids were young…” could be the go-to phrase for my parents while illustrating our shortcomings as a mom and dad. 

But quite happily, it has not turned out that way.  In fact, my parents are down right “hands-off” when it comes to passing judgment on the way we parent our son and daughter.  And they do not get involved with discipline unless we are not home. 

Based on their reactions, there have been occasions where I could tell they disagreed about the way my husband and I were dealing with a discipline issue.  However, I give them credit, they do not chime in with their 2 cents…and I think that makes a huge difference in our comfort level in having them in the house and spending so much time with our children.  They respect the way we parent our kids and do not interfere – and for the most part, they enforce our standards when we are not at home.  It would be terribly hard to have to parent our children and then justify the way we do that to my mom and dad. 

Ironically, it is my dad who now has the patience of Job as a grandfather and asks if he can go into their rooms and talk with his grandkids when they are in trouble?  To which I answer, NO – they are in TIMEOUT!!! and where in the world was this calm head of yours when I was a kid?

I think we got lucky because I am certain that we never really discussed the issue of parenting styles before we all moved into one house.  But don’t take that chance – I highly recommend talking about this before anyone else takes the multigenerational household plunge.