Snail mail in the multigenerational household

“Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds” (Herodotus) / USPS

Do you know what time your “snail mail” arrives on Monday – Saturday? Do you know the name of your letter carrier?

No, neither do we.

Delivery of the postal mail is not at all high on our “things to manage and pay attention to” list. But, if you are living in a multigenerational household, you may need to stop, drop, and pay attention to the postal service.

Margot and Kanesha discuss the important role of postal mail in their multigenerational households.

(We don’t get it!)

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After our discussion, we were pleased to learn the U.S. Postal Service recently issued the Mother Teresa stamp - super cool!

We’re actually going to venture into a real post office (and not the local grocery store) to buy these stamps, well…maybe we’ll just order the stamps online (or stop at the ATM).

If nothing else, we will at least learn the names of our letter carriers so we can honor him/her on National Postal Worker Day (July 1). Hey, we’re trying!

Other fun facts of about the USPS:

• 584 million — average number of mail pieces processed each day
• 24 million — average number of mail pieces processed each hour
• 1.25 billion — number of miles driven each year by our letter carriers and truck drivers
• 10,000 — number of letter carriers who deliver mail entirely on foot
• Each year, postal employees around the country risk their own safety to save the lives of the customers they serve. In 2009, the Postal Service recognized 202 employee heroes.
• Most Unusual Delivery Method — mule trains in Arizona. Each mule carries about 130 pounds of mail, food, supplies and furniture down the 8-mile trail to the Havasupai Indians, averaging 41,000 pounds per week.

Multigenerational carpooling- what a blessing!

There are times, as I am sure you could imagine, that living with my parents is a blessing.  And as I am sure you can imagine, there are times when it makes me, well, a little bonkers.    

At school pick up time, especially the beginning of the year – it is always a blessing.   

The assessment days, back to school nights, parent conferences, meetings, school supply shopping, clothes shopping – could the start of the school year get any more time consuming?  There is one thing I never worry about, though, and that is how my kids get home from school.   

The most punctual man on the planet, my father, is in charge of picking up our two kids at the end of the school day.  And come hell or high water or snow storms – he is always there to bring them home.    

I know this because I hear from many of our friends that my dad is consistently the first in the pick-up line – they all know his red SUV and my kids’ teachers tell me he is in the same place, every day, eager for them to come out of class.     

Image via Wikipedia

 

Here is his M.O. – he gets to school at least 20 minutes ahead of time because he detests waiting in line.  He listens to ESPN radio on XM while he waits, and on occasion, gets a couple of minutes of shut-eye.  (No, talking to him about the fact that he is still waiting in line – just at the front of the line, is meaningless.)      

My husband and I have asked repeatedly if my parents would prefer to set up a carpool for pick up, like the morning drop-off.  The resounding answer is “no.”     

Here is why – my dad LOVES picking up my kids from school.  He enjoys knowing that he is helping out is a very big way but he also gets to hear about their day, and has them all to himself for at least the ride home.  Because as soon as they are home, they play with neighbors, climb trees in the yard, and ride their bikes.  And occasionally, he breaks the rules and takes them for a doughnut.  ARGH!    

On the first day of school, my husband and I were there for drop-off and pick-up.  But from day two on, it has been my dad.  When I asked my dad how the pick-up went for my son on day 2, who had just started Kindergarten, a big smile came over his face.  Here is what he said: “I was waiting right by the kindergarten door and he came out and saw me – and gave me a huge smile!  And you know how I love seeing him smile.  It was just awesome.”    

I would say that it would be a cold day in hell before anyone else gets to pick up my kids from school…  What a blessing!   

a computer, a placenta and mosquitoes – there is a thread here, I promise….

A recent post on WordPress about the 10 most idiotic parenting products, which included a teddy bear made from a placenta – no, I am not kidding – got me thinking about the crap I bought as a newbie parent (wipe-warmer at the top of the list) and the useless crap I have bought my kids… (too many things to list)

The very next day, my mom said she thought my kids, entering KG and 2^nd this fall, would get more use out of her computer than she would and she wanted to move it upstairs.  The placenta post and the computer made me wonder what in the world I did for entertainment when I was little?

So, Sunday night, when we have “family dinner” with my parents, I asked them what I played with when I was little.

As I am 43, it took my mom a while to think back and come up with a list.

Mom recalled that I did not like dolls, Barbie or otherwise.  But I loved to read and draw on my “etch a sketch,” played tons of card and board games like Old Maid and Monopoly, Clue and Battleship, invented elaborate make-believe games with neighborhood pals, and competed in a lot of sports – tennis, swimming, kick-ball and ping-pong.

To which I replied, “but what about when I was really little – too young to walk, barely old enough to crawl?  Did I have an exer-saucer, a kick-n-play, a special red/white/black padded mat to lie on that had a mobile arched over me, an automatic baby swing?”

No, no, no, no and no.  I had a play-pen with some stuffed animals – as did every other child born in 1967.

At the dinner table, in-between bites, my kids were amazed, listening to how I spent my time growing up.  We did not have a Wii, Xbox, computer, or other electronic toys.  We had a relatively small collection of games and toys that were contained in our bedrooms – certainly not a “playroom.”  I am not sure my kids would have really believed of such a simple childhood if their grandmother had not confirmed it.

One of the major benefits of having my parents live in our house is the perspective conversations like this give my kids.  It is important to me that they have some idea of the past – and that they hear about it from their grandparents makes it real to them.  If you are a parent, you know what I am talking about  – the familiar roll of the eyes, telling you, “mom, I am really not listening to you…”  That never happens when my mom tells my kids what’s what.

So, it is entirely appropriate that after dinner my kids asked if they could stay inside and play on the computer.  To which my husband and I responded, “No, go in the backyard and play.”

They obeyed and went to their special tree for the better part of an hour – they continued their make-believe game about Tom and Jerry and my daughter, who is catnip for mosquitoes, came in with several whopper bites.

Now, that sounds familiar – just like when I was a kid…

First week of work – complete! Totally exhausted and guilt free!

It’s Saturday! Hallelujah!

Last Monday, I returned to work after my four-week July vacation. It was brutal re-entry, but I survived my first week and it was totally guilt free! Monday morning was a “Let’s get Kanesha up and ready” team effort.

Hubby helped me get out of bed so I could go on my morning walk. My daughter and hubby made sweet “back to work” cards for me. Hubby made breakfast for all of us, and a healthy lunch for me. My mother-in-law made some high-octane coffee for my travel mug (no Folgers), and my son did not protest when I left for work. Everything was moving along well.

There is nothing wrong with my job and I enjoy most of it quite a bit. I even have a “newer” job this year and a very long new title. The challenge with me going back to work is that it completely changes, topples, dismantles, upsets, drives (I could keep going)…the flow and balance of  our household.

Our world becomes more structured. More lists and checklists are constructed. Details of schedules and stuff to do have to be minded. The family calendar must be updated and maintained.

I had to laugh at the family calendar last Sunday. I went to look at it and noticed it was STILL on June and had not been updated. I could barely see the calendar on the bulletin board. Why?

Because it was summer.

All of this “back to work” prep could drive any working mother into a tailspin of feeling massive guilt. I refuse to fall back into that line of thinking, especially since I have a well-functioning and supportive multigenerational household.

A few weeks ago, I was reading an issue of Working Mother (at the pool). The article that jumped out at me was Anatomy of Guilt by Ilisa Cohen. The article dissects the various factors and influences that lead working women (not men) to feel guilty about balancing their families, careers and time for themselves.

I used to feel this guilt all the time and it was not good. As the article states, guilt can make you ill. Guilt can tamper with your ability to sleep well. Your weight may fluctuate because the guilt may cause you to over or under-eat. You may become tense which can lead to digestive problems (especially if you are feeling too guilty to make time to get to the gym). It’s hard to focus on things when you are feeling guilty. This is magnified if you are feeling guilty about being a good mother.

I did experience many of these guilt ailments before my mother-in-law moved in with us. I struggled with figuring out how to be super at all the things I was trying to do. I asked my hubby once, before our second child was born, “Do you ever feel guilty about going to work and being away from home?” He looked at me like I asked him if I could take Hugh Jackman as my lover. Ok, I’m exaggerating a bit, but hubby did give me a strange look.

His response, “Why would I feel guilty about going to work? People have to work. That’s just how it is. I’m being productive. Why would I feel guilty?” Hmmm…oh, ok!

Since my mother-in-law has been living with us, I feel like I have a great team for managing a busy, productive, healthy and fun lifestyle. The kids are not over-scheduled. We have dinner together almost every night. If I need to work late, I know the kids are at home with my mother-in-law (and sometimes hubby) having fun and getting their needs met. I do not have to bend my schedule to attend all the during the day school events because my husband, mother-in-law and I rotate our attendance, and we often videotape the events so we’re not missing out.

My son climbed into my lap, last Sunday, and told me he would miss me “gynormously” when I went back to work. (He learned that word watching Charlie and Lola.) That made me feel loved, but not guilty. I reminded him that my mother-in-law had a fun week planned for him and they could call, email and text me if he had something urgent to report while I was at work. He thought that was great and he said he would be waiting for me, on the porch, so he could give me an after work hug. And when I got home, there was my son and mother-in-law, rocking in the rocking chairs and happy to greet me after my first day of work.

One work week done. A bazillion more to go!

Oh, and we updated the calendar. I’m still rearranging that bulletin board…

Mad Men premiere – multigenerational prep and party (Nope, no spoilers!)

I love Sundays, my girlfriends, great food, tasty cocktails, scandalous chatter and the lusciously deceptive Don Draper.

The season 4 premiere of Mad Men has come and gone, and I’m still thinking about it.

I have this awesome group of girlfriends who I hang out with every Sunday night. We’ve been doing this since 2004. We started off as a group of six, but now we are down to our group of four, multigenerational (3 boomers and 1 gen-xer), fun-loving, adventurous, and fast-moving women.

In July 2007, when I was home alone, exhausted with a new baby, and practically brain-dead, I stumbled uponAMC’s new show, Mad Men. Talk about a quick pick me up – Don Draper and all his glorious badness. The glamour, parties, historical references, and brilliant writing… Oh yes, this was my kind of show!

"Kanesha" going to work at Sterling Cooper

Fast forward to July 2008. I had been yapping and yapping to my Sunday night crew about Mad Men all year-long, and they were not hearing me. (Heck, I had been yapping about Mad Men to anyone who would listen! I wanted to get everybody hooked!)

My girlfriends wanted to stick with the show that got our Sunday-evening rendezvous started in the first place, Desperate Housewives. I knew I had to be strategic if I was going to assist them in going gaga over Mad Men. I invited them over, provided good food, lots of great wine and made them watch, on DVD, the first two episodes of season 1. They were hooked – and now here we are in 2010 – still hooked. I’ve even “Mad Men” myself.

This summer, we all had the homework of re-watching season 3 before July 25. Some episodes we watched together, but we mostly followed the honor code of Mad Men devotion and expected we’d all be current with previous happenings and major incidents.

From my multigenerational lens, the episode from season 3 that got me extra emotional, and kind of enraged was Episode 2: Love Among the Ruins.

Recap (and I really wish I could find video clip):

When Don arrives home, Betty says William has given her two options: Put Gene in a home or have Judy care for him. Don pulls William aside and delivers an ultimatum. William will support his father financially, and Gene will live with Don and Betty. Gene’s house will remain untouched. William acquiesces. “So the animals are running the zoo,” Gene remarks after learning his fate.

Uhm…this is not the way I think making multigenerational living arrangements should go down. Living with family members or having them live with you is complicated and can be stressful if you do not handle it well. A lot of things have to be negotiated and the more you talk about things in the beginning, the better the transition will be. You may also find out multigenerational living will not work for your situation, and that’s OK too.

I do not have siblings, but I’ve watched and listened to my hubby have some interesting conversations with his siblings about our multigenerational situation. It all came down to some miscommunication and folks not being in the loop. As grown ups, we do want to be in charge of ourselves, but when people feel left out, clear thinking goes right out the door. People cannot be forced to agree with a multigenerational living set-up, but talking things out, utilizing resources, and perhaps having a mediator is a step in the right direction.

Back to the season 4 party:

My mother-in-law made this awesome and reversible apron!

I’ve mentioned before, I dabble in domesticity and I really meant that – dabble. I can cook, no problem, but my fine cuisine mostly comes from recipes, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I also like to look the part when I’m cooking, so I wear my “couture” aprons (hand-sewn and designed by my mother-in-law) along with my pearls. Yes, I’m channeling my inner Julia.

My mother-in-law knows and understands how important my Sunday nights out are, and she usually asks me what food item(s) I plan to take  and offers assistance as needed. Yes, I’m super lucky!

I have to confess, I bought this bag of Utz while I was traveling on the east coast. They did not last until the premiere.

So instead – I was in charge of the dessert, olives, and party favors for this year’s Mad Men premiere.

I made lime-infused coconut pound cake, which is a favorite  in our multigenerational household. (Sorry, mother-in-law, I know you are cutting back on sugar. I should be too!)

The recipe is in the Holiday Baking – Better Homes and Gardens Special Interest Publications – 2007. Let me know if you want the recipe.

When I’m making desserts, I need to fully concentrate. I’ve been known to leave out an ingredient, or two, if I become distracted.

Hubby and my mother-in-law did a great job keeping the 3 year-old-occupied while I baked, and they would also do an ingredient roll call.

I thought it was an excellent idea (and super cute) to make mini-bundt cakes so that everyone could have their own, but they turned out horribly. (Nope, I did not take a picture of that disaster!)

Oh well!

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What the ladies and I feasted on:

• Champagne
• Olives
• Almonds
• Smoked salmon
• Salad
• Cherry salsa (with various types of chips)
• Lime-infused coconut pound cake

The evening was grand and we ate too much. I’ve watched Episode 1: Public Relations three times already. (What? I’m still on vacation. Thank you, TiVo!) I’m looking forward to episode 2/season 4 this coming Sunday, and hanging with my great girlfriends.

I’ll let you know what I cook up with this week. And based on how the mini-cakes turned out, I may be cooking side-by-side with my mother-in-law. There’s nothing wrong with a little supervision!

Multigenerational Living – the family calendar

For any working parent, the issue of time is important. Time to wake up, get to work, make meetings, home for dinner, etc.

Well, for people who are retired, staying on a schedule can be less of an issue.  And when retired people live with those who work, this can be both a blessing and a challenge.

The blessing is that my retired parents have time on their hands to enjoy their grandkids, be present in the moment, and for the most part, not worry about where they need to be.  (Though they remain militant about the evening news – do all people over 65 have to hear every word Brian Williams utters starting at exactly 5:30?)

I marvel at and am grateful for the fact that my dad can sit in the playroom for hours with my son and work on his trains, and that my mom will sit with my daughter as she reads, or bakes with the kids and lets them hold the hand-mixer, measure ingredients, etc.

The challenge can occur when their less rigorous schedule comes in contact with our daily careers.

My husband and I have days that can be a little unpredictable and “on-the-fly” changes to our schedule can be tough on my parents.  Anyone with a 5 and 7 year old knows there is a certain amount of fluidity to any day, but my mom and dad, though they have all the time in the world, appreciate a certain predictability.  They like to know what to expect. (And I fully admit, this is a facet of MY parents, others might be far more free-wheeling.)  I can tell it frustrates them when I call and say I am running late – hell, it frustrates me, too.

The one thing that keeps me sane is our family calendar. I actually love printing it out and giving it to my dad because he will examine it thoroughly and ask questions about deviations to the schedule – “should we get the kids dinner this night?” or “your mom has a doctor’s appt this day so we can’t pick up the kids from school” or “really – you are traveling to the upper peninsula of Michigan for work?”

This seems to be the one tool that puts them at ease – if it is written down, they know what is happening.  In fact, it is not uncommon for my dad to remind me of things on the calendar.

So, as the new school year is approaching, I am getting organized and updating the family calendar – maybe you are, too?  This will, in the end, save everyone a headache and should allow my parents to watch the evening news regularly – for which I can only say – thank goodness – we would all suffer otherwise. 

a multigenerational approach to parenting

Before I get started on this subject, which could be sensitive, let me say that my family is pretty basic – college graduates, married, kids, careers, etc.  I am sure that my 2 brothers and I recall “incidents” from our childhood that were yuck – but overall – our childhood was fun and it was good – we love each other.

We were lucky for many reasons – our parents were focused on our education, we traveled and participated in ballet/sports/after school stuff and they were supportive of us – even though we sometimes acted as if we had not a brain in our heads.  My dad had little patience for bad grades or behavior, but my mom rarely raised her voice and often ran interference with my dad when we took stupidity to a new level. 

So here we are in 2010, my husband, our 2 kids, and my parents all sharing a house.  There are bound to be differences in the way my husband and I raise our children in comparison to the way in which I was raised, right?  Our ages alone would suggest that “when our kids were young…” could be the go-to phrase for my parents while illustrating our shortcomings as a mom and dad. 

But quite happily, it has not turned out that way.  In fact, my parents are down right “hands-off” when it comes to passing judgment on the way we parent our son and daughter.  And they do not get involved with discipline unless we are not home. 

Based on their reactions, there have been occasions where I could tell they disagreed about the way my husband and I were dealing with a discipline issue.  However, I give them credit, they do not chime in with their 2 cents…and I think that makes a huge difference in our comfort level in having them in the house and spending so much time with our children.  They respect the way we parent our kids and do not interfere – and for the most part, they enforce our standards when we are not at home.  It would be terribly hard to have to parent our children and then justify the way we do that to my mom and dad. 

Ironically, it is my dad who now has the patience of Job as a grandfather and asks if he can go into their rooms and talk with his grandkids when they are in trouble?  To which I answer, NO – they are in TIMEOUT!!! and where in the world was this calm head of yours when I was a kid?

I think we got lucky because I am certain that we never really discussed the issue of parenting styles before we all moved into one house.  But don’t take that chance – I highly recommend talking about this before anyone else takes the multigenerational household plunge.

Multigenerational vacation – the family reunion

Here is a recommendation for your next family reunion – make it about the food – the food from your youth, the stuff that brings back memories. 

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I just got home from the mother of all multigenerational experiences – my family reunion.  We stayed in 2 locations: the families with little kids shared a massive house in Scottsdale (8 adults and 8 kids between 2 and 11) and the others were at the Boulders Resort. 

At any point in the day, we were in the pool, eating, reading, eating, playing games, eating, watching movies, cooking, and eating and oh yeah, drinking.  The initial jaunt to the grocery store resulted in three large carts and a $428 bill – and we made 2 more trips during the course of our 4-day stay.

As the five cousins cooked and prepared food through out the holiday, we talked about the fact that our grandfather never met a meal nor a snack that he did not like.  The man stood 6’4” tall while my grandmother was 5’4”.  She ate like a bird most of the time and as a result, I think my grandfather munched his way through a day…  popcorn, peanuts, pretzels, cheese and crackers, chex mix…  Resisting the inclination to grab a handful of whatever snack lies on a counter goes against our family DNA.

I think we did him proud…  During our vacation, the kids were caught sneaking my mom’s brownies, we made no less than 4 servings of the sour cream/onion mix dip, went through 5 bags of Ruffles (2 were low fat – like that mattered…), mowed through untold numbers of Frescas and diet cokes, devoured 7 pounds of salmon, 10 pounds of pasta, 10 racks of ribs, and drank mojitos, margaritas, beer and wine.  Really, does anyone need anything else?  (Maybe a cabana boy to deliver drinks to the pool?)   Thank goodness we are all back in the real world the other 361 days a year…

The last evening we were together, we savored baby back ribs from Michael Chiarello and fresh coleslaw.  Chas was the first to finish a rib and with a clank of the cleaned bone hitting a bowl, the eating commenced.  We ate and ate… and with 14 adults sitting around the dinner table, we celebrated one birthday, told and re-told old family stories and toasted my grandparents and our heritage.  And only 3 of us got weepy… a minor miracle.

Planning for summer 2011 is already underway… and I am sure the first thing on our grocery list next summer will be sour cream and onion mix – taking us right back to that familiar place of our past.  Thankfully, some things do not change.

Fun grandparents vs. rules driven grandma? Uh oh!

by Kanesha

I’m sitting here, alone, in my parents’ house. It’s cool and quiet and I’m thrilled!!

Hubby and my stepdad have taken the kids to the park, and my mom is off running errands and possibly buying my children yet another gadget they don’t need. (As she would say, “It’s just what grannies do!“)

We’re having a GREAT time!

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When we first arrived, my hubby told the kids to ask their grandparents for the rules of the house. I chuckled and my daughter looked at her dad sideways and promptly said,

“Daddy, you know there aren’t any rule here!”

My mother quickly added,

“Yes, she’s pretty much right. Not too many rules here for our grandchildren.”

Then I started to think; my kids spent close to two full weeks with my mother-in-law and my hubby’s sister (and sister’s hubby and sister’s two kids). They are very structured and rule driven people (yes – this is very true).

Since my mother-in-law lives with us, there are the day-to-day rules that must be enforced as well.

And now we are with my parents who will stop, drop and roll for these two grandkids. My parents will uphold rules that deal with safety, but that’s pretty much it as far as rule enforcement.

So, is this a case of fun grandparents vs. rules driven grandma?

Is this really fair to my mother-in-law’s relationship with my kids or is this not my problem to worry about?

I had not thought about this until today.

Hubby chimes in:

It’s just the way it is (fair or unfair).  When we look at the big picture – we all have several hats that we need to wear to make life work and the world go round.  Sometimes my mom is grandma – but most the time instead of grandma she is caretaker.

To provide a stable and safe environment for the kids, she needs rules and they need rules. Rules offer freedom and encourage their development.  It is different with the short visits from the non-caretaking grandparents.

Side note from hubby:

Our youngest was about to start playing with the POOL TABLE when I asked for the RULES.  It was such a perfect toy for a three-year old – with no rules.  And I had seen his eyes light up as he looked at the perfect green field laid out before him with a small ball (not a pool ball) in his hand and a truck.

We are flexible and we all want to have a good time, but even a house with minimum rules will need a few to keep everyone safe and happy.

the TCC and a spit-swap = the best July 4th

Are there moments from your childhood that are fresh in your mind – as if they happened yesterday?   

Most July 4^th holidays from my youth are like that for me – clear in my mind; one for a “rite of passage”  moment and the others for the consistently shared experiences among family.  I had my first adult-like kiss on the golf course at a 4th of July picnic, with a boy who shall remain nameless, while fireworks burst in the sky above us (setting me up with totally unrealistic kissing expectations for the rest of my life).  As for the others, this was a holiday we always celebrated with my mom’s parents, picture below.  

Babuji and Honey - circa 1960

 

For 15 years, we observed Independence Day at the Tucson Country Club.  The club had a stunning display of fireworks every year that went on and on and on.  Nothing I have ever seen since can compare.  

Each year, after an enormous BBQ, the celebration started with 8 foot outlines of political, tv, and sports characters of the day, or meaningful scenes from American History being lit up inch-by-inch in fireworks – it was like watching dominoes of light trace the images and bring them to life.  After that, massive, intricate and colorful fireworks exploded over our heads for that seemed like an entire hour while we oohed and aahed.  The grande finale was always better than the year before.  

And while the fireworks were on display, we would continue to nibble at BBQ remnants; fresh corn, every kind of meat known to man, enough watermelon to swell a belly and invariably, thick, rich brownies.  As was often the case, my grandparents would talk about their adolescence in Nebraska and Colorado.  I heard stories every year, about what each of them did on the 4^th of July when they were kids, “back in the day.”   

And though those stories might have become repetitive as a child, now, it is less the details of those stories that I recall and more the “feeling” of being with my grandparents.    

They are my roots, my history, my foundation.  

At the annual week-long reunion of my mom’s side of the family, the conversation turns to my maternal grandparents, as it often does, and my brothers, cousins and I will tell and re-tell stories about them we all know and love; we all still “feel” them - their pull on us, solidifying our determination to see each other every year, despite the varied zip coded in which we live, our commitment to each other and our families.   

I hope that well into the future, my kids will be able to recall with clarity all the memories they are making with my parents today, but mostly that they will be able to “feel” them in their lives forever.  

I love you and miss you Honey and Babuji!