My mother-in-law is a mobile phone paparazzi

by Kanesha

When I’m at work, focused on a task, and forgetting about the outside world, my mobile phone will buzz.

Picture message!

There are other times I’m in a meeting that has gone too long. I’m glazing over and going brain-dead. I’m instantly jolted back to life when my mobile phone buzzes.

Picture message!

My mother-in-law often sends picture messages to me so I can have a quick peek into what my kids are doing while I’m away from them. I love it! I especially love that my mother-in-law initiated this picture-taking practice, about two years ago, without me prompting her to do so.

The pictures allow me to instantly connect with the kid as soon as I enter the house. I can ask them to explain what they were doing when my mother-in-law captured them with her phone.

I think it’s very sweet that my mother-in-law takes the time to snap pictures because she thinks (and actually knows) I will enjoy seeing my kids while I’m busy at work. And yes, I always enjoy it.

Here are my recent favorites:

My mother-in-law and my son were at the library. He picked out this magazine because he’s fascinated with the Eiffel Tower.

Chilly soccer practice

My mother-in-law was picking up the exhausted middle schooler. Look at all that stuff.

My mother-in-law is creating a Halloween costume with my daughter – made of Duck Tape.

To be continued…

My mother-in-law is helping my little artist learn the difference between his right and left hand (instead of the right and wrong hand).

it’s a full nest talks with Chef Clifford Rome

As I’ve mentioned before, multigenerational living comes with a lot of perks.

Crafting and cooking are always at the top of our list.

Check out Kanesha’s radio chat with Chef Clifford Rome and Rashanah on WVON 1690 AM.

This is the lime-infused coconut pound cake Rashanah mentioned in the interview. No calories at all – ok, there are, but who’s counting?

The recipe for this cake can be found in:

PoundCakeRecipe

My mother-in-law made flan the other night and in my opinion, she makes the BEST flan I’ve ever tasted. She added some fresh peaches to it – since peaches are in season.

Hubby made some marinated chicken kabobs the other weekend and we all devoured them. He marinated the chicken in fresh lemon juice and prime-rib rub from the Savory Spice Shop.

Everyone in our multigenerational household has a “couture” apron – designed and  sewn by my mother-in-law.

Here I am, in my apron (sans pearls), making sugar cookies for girls’ night out. I used a cookie cutter shaped like a martini glass.

My 11-year-old, the aspiring pastry chef, was in the kitchen baking up something delectable. She has a matching head scarf to go with her apron.

My mother-in-law wanted a new t-shirt and so she whipped one up for herself. She also made the beads for her necklace.

Today is National Grandparents Day…oh really now?

by Kanesha

Today is Sunday.

For most of us with families (with or without kids), Sunday is our day to do one or more of the following: engage in fellowship, relax, watch sports, do laundry, run errands, and tackle whatever else is still pending on that never-ending to-do list.

And that’s exactly what I was doing today. I was driving around town in my wagon, asking my daughter what  we needed to get done today in order to be prepared for this upcoming school week, telling my youngest to stop kicking the back of my seat, asking hubby “when are your travel dates again?“, and looking for a parking spot in the lot of a big box “buy a bunch of crap” store. I was doing my Sunday stuff.

I was feeling quite pleased with myself as I checked the time on my phone – 45 minutes! We had only been in the store for 45 minutes and we had secured everything on the shopping list. Fantastic!

Then I rounded the corner and walked past the greeting card section, and there it was…a humongous greeting card display for National Grandparents Day. And guess what? Today was the DAY!

WTH?

I told my hubby to take the kids and the shopping cart to the checkout as I stayed behind to investigate said holiday. National Grandparents Day? Come on! We already have birthdays, anniversaries, mothers/fathers day, and an entire list of “real” calendar holidays. Do we need National Grandparents Day too?

I looked through the cards and all of them sucked. They were cheesy and syrupy. Who writes this mess? I stood at that display reading, rolling my eyes, and gagging.

When I caught up to my family at the checkout, I let them know that we’d be having a small celebration for my mother-in-law that would include a six-pack of “high-end” beer, a Red Box DVD, and a homemade card.

"Yes, sweetie, I'm very sure there is a D in grandparents."

The other grandparents (including my own grandmother), who do not live in this state, would be getting a phone call – and that was about all we could pull off.

Hubby rolled his eyes and then chuckled a bit. He was wondering why I was trying so hard. Exactly, why was I trying so hard and why couldn’t I get over myself?

Well, my mother-in-law does a tremendous amount helping us all live the good  (and sane) life. August has been non-stop busy with school, work, and travel schedules. My mother-in-law has had to manage the kids right after school and into the evening. I know that can be exhaustive, not to mention the evening “kid duty” cuts into her free-time and social life. My mother-in-law has also been put in charge of taking the youngest to his newest activity, “herd ball” practice. (Herd ball is what I call soccer practice for preschoolers.)

With all of that, I thought she deserved a mini-celebration to let her know how much we love and appreciate her. My mother-in-law is not overly expressive (in my opinion) but she likes a good celebration from time -to-time. I wasn’t sure how she would receive our lame, but loving attempt at celebrating National Grandparents Day.

Would my mother-in-law love it or look at all of us like we had two heads? Where would our attempt land on the coolness scale?

Her response was somewhere in the middle.

She was gracious and sweet to her grandchildren, as she promptly threw a few bottles of her “high-end” beer in the frig.

My children love and adore their grandparents, the one that lives with us, and the ones that live out-of-state. I think it’s fair to assume that most grandchildren think their grandparents walk on air and are the most super people in the world – at least that’s how I felt about my grandparents.

I don’t mean to imply National Grandparent Day is useless, but hey, school just started back, Labor Day was just here – can I get a few weeks in between holidays and major events?

Delights of multigenerational living: August 2010

Our multigenerational PERK list for August 2010

Kanesha’s Nest

Morning serenades by my little guy. He’s been working on Row Row Row Your Boat with my mother-in-law. My mom bought this piano book.

We often have many impromptu projects. This project involved hubby and our daughter renovating a bike. Good thing my mother-in-law had some Mod Podge on hand to help with the bike decorations.

The little guy is earning his keep. My mother-in-law taught him how to shuck corn and he helped her prepare dinner.

Margot’s Nest

In our multigenerational household, art and trains are a constant.  My mom uneartherd this compact, travel set of watercolors that were MY grandmother’s.  My son’s art is, shockingly, about trains…

And with the help of their grandparents, the kids rearranged and cleaned up their trains
and ”learning corner” in the play room

Giveaway: Magic Dice (educational fun)

Family game night is a tradition we’re slowly developing in our multigenerational household. With my mother-in-law cooking dinner on most weeknights, our evenings, after a full day of work, can be fairly leisurely. We try to set aside at least one evening per week (and if no one is on work travel) to play games as family. Because we have an age range amongst the five of us, the types of games we play vary greatly.

My daughter received Magic Dice – Multiplication for her birthday, and it’s been very fun to watch her play this game with her little brother. No, he doesn’t really get it, but he enjoys his sister’s attention.

Because many of us are in the back-to-school mode, I thought the Magic Dice games (addition and multiplication) might be something you lovely readers would like for a giveaway.

Bambini is giving away an addition and multiplication game to 2 lucky it’s a full nest readers (one game per winner).

Enter to win by leaving a comment about how your family is getting the kids ready (and maybe the adults) to return to school. You can also tell us your favorite game(s) to play as a family.

Please leave your comment by midnight MST – Friday, September 3, 2010.

US mailing addresses only.

Back to school shopping – pros walk left – amateurs stand right

by Kanesha

I do miss the days when back-to-school prep came after Labor Day, but based on where we live now – we have to be up and running by late August. Oh – it’s thrilling and yet so painful!

I snapped this picture on July 5. Good grief - what an early reminder!

Gearing up for middle school has been fun and busy. Thank goodness my mother-in-law has been an incredible cheerleader.

It was very sweet and extremely cute when my mother-in-law came home one day with some school supplies she had purchased.

My children and I watched her excitement as she showed us her loot and she said,

“It’s that time of year. I love getting new notebooks. Checkout this great pencil box. I can use if for a bunch of things.”

My daughter jumped up to admire and touch the new items. My son grabbed his tiny backpack and said, “I need new stuff too.”

And it was time, time for back-to-school shopping.

Anyone with a preschooler knows they aren’t always the best at running errands – especially errands you want to complete quickly. During dinner on a Thursday night, my hubby slowly leaned across the dinner table and seriously said,

“Look mom, there will be a run on school supply shopping this weekend, so we must go tonight. It’s been a long day, but we need you to watch the little one while we run out. Can you do this?”

My mother-in-law looked at her son directly and immediately nodded in affirmation. I had to keep my composure because the seriousness of this back-to-school discussion was kinda over the top.

And off the three of us went (as the three-year-old wailed from the front porch) to secure the goods for, in my daughter’s words, “the best school year EVER!“

The school supply list was humongous! Many of the 40+ items were exotic office supplies in my opinion – things I don’t even have access to as a working professional.

• 2 packages hole reinforcements
• 3 pack dry erase markers
• 2 packages of dividers with pockets (8 count each w/ tabs)
• USB Flash Drive

And the list goes on…

What happened to the days of loose leaf paper and some pencils? Ok ok,  it’s middle school – so I would add some some pens to the “non-exotic” list.

Not only were we buying supplies for classroom use, we had to purchase locker accessories as well. Interior design for this tiny locker…so many decisions, so little time – it was already 7:30pm.

Hubby and the middle schooler - on task with the mega list

I had to chuckle when I heard one dad say,

“Why are we here shopping? I could easily just get all of this stuff from my office!”

Prior to this shopping adventure, I felt the same way as that dad. I just wanted to buy the pre-packaged school supply kit and get on with it. But the way my multigenerational family approaches school supply shopping is a treat to watch.

My daughter sits at the kitchen table going through the sales papers. My mother-in-law moves between the stove and table to peer over my daughter’s shoulder and point out good deals. Hubby talks about new supplies he wants for himself because new stuff is “so awesome”. My son agrees with everyone and  clearly sates what he’ll take to his school. I sit and watch the frenzy of it all.

I do have to admit, I enjoy observing their excitement and joy for this time of year.

And on my daughter’s first day of school, the annual picture was taken in front of the tree (thanks to my mother-in-law for the quick reminder). My mother-in-law made an incredible breakfast (and good coffee). Wholesome lunches were packed and the new school year began.

I received a call at the end of the school day, from my daughter, and learned that middle school is great, the locker is not so terrifying, and the locker chandelier was a big hit. (WHAT? I bought a locker chandelier? Was that on the list?)

We have one full week of middle school under our belts and a bunch more to go.

The new middle school desk - full of middle school supplies

Our next transitional task…getting ready for preschool to start.

Multigenerational Living – the family calendar

For any working parent, the issue of time is important. Time to wake up, get to work, make meetings, home for dinner, etc.

Well, for people who are retired, staying on a schedule can be less of an issue.  And when retired people live with those who work, this can be both a blessing and a challenge.

The blessing is that my retired parents have time on their hands to enjoy their grandkids, be present in the moment, and for the most part, not worry about where they need to be.  (Though they remain militant about the evening news – do all people over 65 have to hear every word Brian Williams utters starting at exactly 5:30?)

I marvel at and am grateful for the fact that my dad can sit in the playroom for hours with my son and work on his trains, and that my mom will sit with my daughter as she reads, or bakes with the kids and lets them hold the hand-mixer, measure ingredients, etc.

The challenge can occur when their less rigorous schedule comes in contact with our daily careers.

My husband and I have days that can be a little unpredictable and “on-the-fly” changes to our schedule can be tough on my parents.  Anyone with a 5 and 7 year old knows there is a certain amount of fluidity to any day, but my mom and dad, though they have all the time in the world, appreciate a certain predictability.  They like to know what to expect. (And I fully admit, this is a facet of MY parents, others might be far more free-wheeling.)  I can tell it frustrates them when I call and say I am running late – hell, it frustrates me, too.

The one thing that keeps me sane is our family calendar. I actually love printing it out and giving it to my dad because he will examine it thoroughly and ask questions about deviations to the schedule – “should we get the kids dinner this night?” or “your mom has a doctor’s appt this day so we can’t pick up the kids from school” or “really – you are traveling to the upper peninsula of Michigan for work?”

This seems to be the one tool that puts them at ease – if it is written down, they know what is happening.  In fact, it is not uncommon for my dad to remind me of things on the calendar.

So, as the new school year is approaching, I am getting organized and updating the family calendar – maybe you are, too?  This will, in the end, save everyone a headache and should allow my parents to watch the evening news regularly – for which I can only say – thank goodness – we would all suffer otherwise. 

Everybody Loves Raymond…especially when it’s NOT my reality

by Kanesha

Summer vacation is going great!

We’re sightseeing, eating too much, spending time together, and watching silly TV.

Last night when the kids were snoozing, hubby and I were snuggling and watching a super old syndicated episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. It definitely made the oldie but goodie list.

This episode was the one where the five adults are playing “Scruples” and Marie, in her overbearing and “who me?” manner asks if Ray would TAKE HER IN when she’s elderly. The squeamish, passive aggressive, and “five-year-old” Ray says YES.

Of course Debra is horrified and immediately follows Ray into the kitchen to ask him what his problem is.

“Shouldn’t this be a decision that should be discussed?… Marie might be taking you seriously.”

Click —> full episode synopsis

Hubby and I immediately looked at each other and laughed so hard our stomach muscles ached.  Yes – it seemed innocent.  Yes – it was just a game.  BUT – Debra was right – Marie was serious when asking Ray. (And let me point out  how manipulative Marie was being in making up the question in the first place. Boo, Marie, boo!!)

Debra from a separate episode:

“When I got married, I didn’t just get a husband; I got a whole freak show that set up their tent right across the street! And that would be fine–if they stayed there! But every day–every day–they dump a truckload of their insane family dreck into my lap!“

Hubby:

When we originally discussed my mom moving into our house, Kanesha was pregnant and we were looking at childcare.  We don’t remember who first mentioned the option nor if we were serious when it was first discussed.

Kanesha:

I totally remember who suggested it. You’re mother! She said something like, “Well, maybe I should sell my house and move in to help you all with the baby since I didn’t know I could still get grandchildren.” We didn’t know how serious this was at first…

While I watched Debra imagine her future with Marie living with her (and not just across the street from her), I felt myself saying:

1.  How dare he make this decision without consulting you! I would shake him!

2.  Debra, does Ray even realize the dynamic of your relationship with Marie? Is is really a blind fool? (I’ve watched the show enough; YES he is!)

3.  This development (the “invitation” to Marie) calls for drastic measures. Debra, you may have to go on whoopie strike or find a referral for a good divorce attorney.

3.  Put your foot down and tell Ray that all of you need to go to family counseling before you will even CONSIDER this multigenerational set-up.

4.  Start drinking heavily, but no driving.

5.  Continue the whoopie strike!

Had my mother-in-law been like Marie, conniving, controlling, and overbearing, there is absolutely no way I would have considered having her live with us. Before our multigenerational household was realized, my relationship with my mother-in-law was already one of friendship, camaraderie, discovery and proper boundaries. She is NO Marie!

Here are some quick and dirty tips, from me, if you are considering setting up a multigenerational household:

1.  Don’t consider multigenerational living if you recoil in horror just thinking about it. It’s not for everyone.

2.  Be honest throughout all discussions about living with parents/in-laws (or other family members). You’re not going to become a saint for saying YES, when you really want to say NO!

3.  If you have a hard time being honest and articulating your ideas during verbal discussions, write your thoughts down and create talking points. This is not the time to be a martyr.

4.  Seek out a mediator (e.g. counselor, life coach, clergy member, psychologist, etc.) to talk things through as a group. This may make any challenging discussions safer.

5. If finances are the catalyst for you considering multigenerational living, be sure to look at all possible solutions so that you are not being backed into any corners.

Multigenerational living is pretty comical and there are lots of stories that could be scripted for a sitcom.  Do you have any stories that you can share with us that are worth of a sitcom?

the TCC and a spit-swap = the best July 4th

Are there moments from your childhood that are fresh in your mind – as if they happened yesterday?   

Most July 4^th holidays from my youth are like that for me – clear in my mind; one for a “rite of passage”  moment and the others for the consistently shared experiences among family.  I had my first adult-like kiss on the golf course at a 4th of July picnic, with a boy who shall remain nameless, while fireworks burst in the sky above us (setting me up with totally unrealistic kissing expectations for the rest of my life).  As for the others, this was a holiday we always celebrated with my mom’s parents, picture below.  

Babuji and Honey - circa 1960

 

For 15 years, we observed Independence Day at the Tucson Country Club.  The club had a stunning display of fireworks every year that went on and on and on.  Nothing I have ever seen since can compare.  

Each year, after an enormous BBQ, the celebration started with 8 foot outlines of political, tv, and sports characters of the day, or meaningful scenes from American History being lit up inch-by-inch in fireworks – it was like watching dominoes of light trace the images and bring them to life.  After that, massive, intricate and colorful fireworks exploded over our heads for that seemed like an entire hour while we oohed and aahed.  The grande finale was always better than the year before.  

And while the fireworks were on display, we would continue to nibble at BBQ remnants; fresh corn, every kind of meat known to man, enough watermelon to swell a belly and invariably, thick, rich brownies.  As was often the case, my grandparents would talk about their adolescence in Nebraska and Colorado.  I heard stories every year, about what each of them did on the 4^th of July when they were kids, “back in the day.”   

And though those stories might have become repetitive as a child, now, it is less the details of those stories that I recall and more the “feeling” of being with my grandparents.    

They are my roots, my history, my foundation.  

At the annual week-long reunion of my mom’s side of the family, the conversation turns to my maternal grandparents, as it often does, and my brothers, cousins and I will tell and re-tell stories about them we all know and love; we all still “feel” them - their pull on us, solidifying our determination to see each other every year, despite the varied zip coded in which we live, our commitment to each other and our families.   

I hope that well into the future, my kids will be able to recall with clarity all the memories they are making with my parents today, but mostly that they will be able to “feel” them in their lives forever.  

I love you and miss you Honey and Babuji!

Mom WAS here and all WAS right with the world…

by Kanesha

My mom has left our nest, and this seemed like the shortest visit ever!

The kids and I dropped her off at the airport today and all four of us were sad. My mom hated to say good-bye, my daughter looked bewildered, and my son cried loudly for approximately 10 minutes. I just sighed, gave my mom a tight hug, and drove west. It’s a weekday and we had stuff to get home and do.

When my *MIL travels, we have to do the granny exchange because we rely on my MIL for childcare. I breathe easily when I know my mom is coming to town because she’s MY mom, but I also get a bit jammed up because life is in progress, and  it’s often hard to get my mom up to speed on what we need her to do and how we need her to do it.

My mom is a vivacious southern belle who says what she thinks at all times. She likes things tidy, presentable and looking good. This I love. At the same time, she’s whimsical and does not often adhere to a schedule. That drives me bonkers.

Me & mom on the swan paddleboat

When my mom swoops in to take over the granny-nanny role, hubby and I just let things slide. It’s a gift to us that my mom is willing to help us with childcare, and it’s not worth it to us to try and get her to do things the “regular” way.

I don’t spend time comparing my mom and MIL. That’s just silly (and would make me check-in to a mental health facility).  They are two different people. One raised me and one did not. One I’ve known my entire life and the other I have not.

What I do compare is  the way the “moms”  make me feel in helping me with my children. I’m more easygoing and relaxed with my mom in regards to my children because my mom knows me and I don’t feel judged! We have many common interests and enjoy some of the same activities. There are also things we agree about in raising and caring for children. If there are things on which we don’t agree, it is very easy for me to talk to my mom about it, get emotional, talk about it some more, kiss and make up, and then move forward.

On the other hand, my MIL and I have a very good relationship and we can talk about most things, but the structure is very different.  If I see communication obstacles coming up, I will slow down and try to talk it through. If that does not work, I’ll try to send an email. And if THAT is not working, I’ll get my hubby involved.  I pride myself on being a problem-solver, but I do I recognize my hubby may be the best person to deal with any specifically tough  or touchy conversations because this is his mom and he has more experience with her than I do. There are also cultural differences in experiences, language and communication styles and honestly speaking – I can be too impatient to stop, think, and process things with my MIL, so my hubby can be the informal mediator.

In the meantime, I’ll be counting the days until my kids and I get to hang with my mom (and stepdad) this summer, and it’ll be worth the wait.

BTW…my MIL was due back in town tonight, but her flight was CANCELLED. So, hubby is on “granny-nanny” duty tomorrow because my schedule is FULL!

How would you describe the ways  you communicate with your parents and in-laws? What is your comfort level in either situation?

(*MIL = mother-in-law)