Dear its a full nest readers,

We are thrilled to announce that we have moved our blog from about multigenerational living from WordPress to our very own website at www.itsafullnest.com

We think you will like the new format and its easier readability. 

And you can also find us blogging for Working Mother magazine, also about multigenerational living.   http://www.workingmother.com/web?service=vpage/5685

Change those bookmarks!

Cheers!
Kanesha and Margot

You may have noticed we haven’t posted anything since October 3.

Don’t worry, we are still here.

We are making some updates and upgrades to it’s a full nest. Expect to see some new exciting things from us around October 18.

Speaking of new and exciting…

Check out our newest blog, MultigenerationalNests, on Working Mother magazine’s MomBlog.

We are very excited to partner with Working Mother.

You may also find us on Facebook.

http://www.facebook.com/multigenerationalliving

http://www.facebook.com/itsafullnest

Thanks for support!

Kanesha and Margot

Photo by Gina Rogers Photography

As busy and working parents, hubby and I know uninterrupted time with our children is a luxury and a priority. As I’ve mentioned before with our multigenerational household, hubby and I make a point to create a space for nuclear family time.

This weekend we decided to head to the mountains and rent a rustic cabin. We wanted some private time, with just the four of us, to play, create, maintain connections and *unplug.

The rustic cabin. There were 3 beds, a table with 4 folding chairs, a ceiling fan-light and electricity.

When I asked my 11-year-old what she thought about this trip, she said,

“It’s important for us break-up our multigenerational family time because you get to do big family stuff and then spend independent time with fewer family members. You get a chance to do different things and just take a little time off. I don’t know. It’s just a good idea to have the breaks.”

My kiddos dancing and playing with the AEROBIE.

In Tips for Multigenerational Households, Elizabeth Mullins said something similar:

“Figure out what is family time, personal time and big extended family time. For instance, we like to all have dinner together a few nights a week but my daughter, husband and I still want a few nights just to ourselves.”

For our nuclear family getaway, my mother-in-law helped us prepare by grocery shopping, helping with the laundry, and purchasing craft supplies.

We love Cherrybrook Kitchen’s products! This is a great food solution for my son’s allergies and the food is tasty!

We had these chicken apple sausages for lunch. Delicious!

Craft supplies for our wreath

I’m sure my mother-in-law was happy to get the house to herself, even though she did not say this out loud.  I imagine living with her active, energetic, and often loud grandchildren is not always the peaceful environment she may crave. Hubby and I are fairly rational and consistent people, and I’m sure time away from us provides a beneficial respite for my mother-in-law as well. And in the words of Thomas Haynes Bayly, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

The weekend was fantastic and the weather was divine. The only hiccups for me were the large spiders and the mouse that wanted to visit us on the porch in the evenings. Fran’s chocolate helped me cope.

We were able to spend a lot of time outside. We talked and laughed a lot, and we ate too much.

The view as we drove around the camping area.

The view from the cabin.

My daughter and I had a great time making a wreath. My friends know how much I love wreaths! We were inspired by A Little Bit of Everything.

My daughter kept saying, “Safety first!”, to her brother.

Yay for electricity! It was great to be able to use the glue gun.

The wreath is now hanging on our door at home.

We are looking forward to our next trip to the rustic cabins and maybe my mother-in-law will join us.

*About unplugging:

We did use my laptop to play music and watch evening movies. And…I used my phone to text (a tiny bit) and to send my mother-in-law some status updates on craft projects. That’s pretty good for us!

At this party, I was talking to a spunky woman who had on gorgeous shoes. She grabbed a great bottle of Pinot Grigio to set near us so we didn’t have to pause our conversation for refills.

When we got to “so what do you do”, she wanted to know how I appeared so balanced and not worn around the edges with kids, a traveling husband, and my own job. I explained my multigenerational living set-up, and she stared at me like I was speaking in tongues.

HER:            WHAT? You let your mother-in-law live with you? What is THAT about?

ME:            We enjoy it. It helps hubby and me focus on work as needed. We have more time to spend with our kids after work. My mother-in-law helps makes the house run well, and you know, the kids get to be with their grandmother.

HER:            Hmmm…Well how long will she be there? I mean did she just show up and not leave?

ME:            We invited her to live with us in 2007 when our youngest was born. I’m not sure how long she will live with us. We haven’t discussed that.

HER:            There is absolutely NO WAY my mother-in-law could live with us. NO WAY! You let me know if you need help getting your mother-in-law out of there.

At that point, I was pretty much done with the conversation. I politely excused myself and seriously thought about taking that bottle of wine with me as I went to find another person to gab with.

I reflected on this exchange some weeks later and I wanted to know what others thought about living with their mother-in-laws. So I posted a question on Facebook.

The responses where humorous, honest, shocking, emotional, and all over the place.

I came across an interesting study about how family communicate about their in-laws and with their in-laws.

“In one component of this study, the researchers asked daughters-in-law to report on positive and negative aspects of their relationship with the mothers-in-law. (Summary table)  One interesting aspect of these findings is that there are characteristics in this relationship that are listed as positive (i.e., linked to greater satisfaction) and negative factors (i.e., linked to less satisfaction).  This demonstrates that daughters-in-law have different “tastes” when it comes to what they want in their mother-in-law relationship.  For instance, some daughters-in-law felt geographic distance was a barrier to a more positive relationship whereas others believed geographic distance was necessary for a positive relationship.”

Click here to learn more about Dr. Christy Rittenour’s study.

If anyone is considering multigenerational living, they have to make sure this decision is right for them. Effective communication needs to be established when discussions first start and when the multigenerational living arrangement becomes a reality (or not).

Effective communication is essential in developing, maintaining, and strengthening relationships. Here are my top recommendations for communicating with your mother-in-law and in a multigenerational household:

1. Practice (yes practice) active listening. This is a skill a lot of people do not have.
2. Be honest and specific. Stick to the facts and do your best not to overgeneralize.
3. Respond to what is being communicated instead of reacting.
4. Adjust your communication style to the situation, age/generation of the other person involved, and the circumstance.
5. Use common language. Speaking over your mother-in-law’s head (or anyone else’s) leads to unnecessary miscommunication and frustration. Your goal is to have the receiver understand, accept, and apply what you’ve communicated.
6. Admit you are human and that you make mistakes. We all have stories to share when things are going well or when things are disharmonious. Showing you are human communicates your level of care for the other person involved.
7. Love, respect, and forgive each other.

by Kanesha

My husband, his twin brother, and their older sister were born in Hawaii. My husband lived there until he was about eight-years-old and then he moved back to the mainland with his mom (my *mother-in-law) and his siblings.

During our courtship and marriage, I have been fascinated about this part of my hubby’s life. A big contribution to this fascination is the way my mother-in-law becomes all dreamy eyed and animated when she talked about her life in Hawaii.

When I found out CBS was remaking Hawaii Five-O, I had to know what my mother-in-law thought about this. She did not hesitate to share her perspective.

[Summary of the contemporary version.]

K:            Did you know they were remaking Hawaii Five-O?

MIL:            The question is why?????? No I didn’t.

Source

K:             OK, I have more nosey questions. How long did you live in Hawaii?

MIL:            12+ years

K:            What made you decide to move there?

MIL:            Too long of an answer and too involved etc.

K:            [giggle] Would you ever move back?

MIL:            No, unless to outer island.  Also [I] would need much more disposable income because toooooo far away from everyone. That was a reason for moving back; the age of my grandmother, [my] kids didn’t know their grandparents.  I don’t even need to visit again. Never really felt I was in the tourist role. Too many changes last time.

K:            ¡Viva multigenerational living! Did you watch the original Hawaii Five-O?

MIL:            Of course.  Don (the father K’s hubby) was even in a couple of episodes as an extra. We did those sessions like you-all (meaning Kanesha and her girlfriends) do the Oscars!  It was always fun trying to figure out where they were.

Source

K:            Who were your favorite characters?

MIL:            The Hawaiian guy of course.

K:            [bigger giggle] Did you ever see the original being filmed while you were living in Hawaii?

MIL:            No.

K:            Will you watch the remake of Hawaii Five-O?

MIL:            Thinking about it.  Read the promo in Sunday’s paper.  They are doing new characters only. The names are similar to the originals.

K:            Who would you cast in the remake (which actors)?

MIL:            Where would I find a better Steve M.?

Grace Park, Scott Caan, Alex O’Loughlin, and Daniel Dae Kim (Source)

K:            Understood

MIL’s overall impression

Well I watched it.  Ok they kept the name and filmed some of the same landmarks: Iolani Palace, Steve’s car, etc.  Otherwise just pretty much just another crime show with the usual increased intensity of sound and action.  Where were the Hawaiians?  Enough with the Haoles already!

*MIL

Related Articles

• Old vs new Hawaii Five-O opening sequence (telegraph.co.uk)

Tom Selleck and me, circa 2003

Television is not a huge priority in our house – we only have one.  I do not watch a lot shows; Mad Men and Parenthood are at the top of my list and of course, my alma mater’s football games.  I am NOT a fan of most reality TV shows.  I would rather be subjected to bodily injury than watch any of the Real Housewives series.  But, one new Fall show got my attention for two reasons: it is a show about a multigenerational family and it stars Tom Selleck.   

Many of my friends will recall my flat-out obsession with Tom Selleck when he starred in Magnum, P.I.  (Perhaps this is a better memory for me than them?  I can almost make out the eye-rolling as I write this.)  And later, when I was in college (as luck would have it, it was the same university from which he graduated) I met him several times when he attended alumni events – moments I will never forget.  And no – my dear college friends – no need to re-live my insanity at the alumni volleyball game that occurred the same day of  his birthday – a fact that no one knew but me… 

So when I heard about Blue Bloods – well, you can imagine that there was no way I was going to miss it.  I liked it – but not for the reason that you might think.   

It was an interesting storyline – family of police officers, with Tom Selleck the Chief of Police in NY.  He has four adult children, one son having recently been killed in the line of duty.  His only daughter is a district attorney.   Two other sons are on the police force. 

But it was the family-themed, (do not read this as poltically conversative please…) many generations close together every day, that got me.  And in particular, the family dinner with 4, count them 4, generations sitting down to a meal on a Sunday night that was eerily familiar.  

Does this sound like any dinner you have had with family before?…Lots of people in the kitchen, differing opinions among the adult kids and some snipping among parents, children and even grandchildren.  People up and down from the table, one person leaving early, and at some point, alcohol was located and consumed to provide some relief. 

Sounds about right….  Families are complex and people disagree and things can get a bit, shall we say, testy.  But family is non-negotiable in my book and for them it seems, too.  

Blue Bloods has been added to my TV list – and apparently, I am not the only one who liked the show – it reeled in the viewers on Friday night.  Tom Selleck is a big draw for me but it was really fun to watch the family dynamics and see how often I said, “I get that….”

On Sunday, I woke up and the three-year-old had crawled into bed with me. He was demanding we get downstairs for breakfast and to see grandma (my mother-in-law). I could not be annoyed with him, even though I thought about it, because it was already 8:00 a.m.

Hubby was already up and moving around (can you see why I considered becoming annoyed?) and he was in a cooking mood. He coaxed me out of bed with the promise of apple cinnamon French toast, bacon, and strong coffee. Say no more, I was up!

After the lovely, non-healthy, and super delicious breakfast, the four of us (our daughter was sleeping over at a friend’s house) sat at the kitchen table, started talking about our super busy Saturday events, and  began working on our individual projects.

I was preparing goodie bags for my girlfriends. We had plans to watch the Desperate Housewives premiere. Yes, it’s low-brow TV watching and it gave us yet another reason to have a party on a Sunday night.

I purchased apple themed goodies to put into the bags. Simple and fun.

My son wanted to “help” me prepare the bags, so I set him up with his own project.

I showed my little guy how to use the hole punch. His hands aren’t quite strong enough to work the hole punch alone, but he was very determined.

Our local library had a used book sale on Saturday. All children’s and teen books were $.50. FANTASTIC!

My daughter and I had a great time digging through all the books. We picked up some picture books for my mother-in-law. She likes to make origami boxes with the picture book pages.

Hubby was doing some travel planning and pretty much just surfing the web. He would look up every now-and-then and offer us some positive feedback on our various projects. Yes, he’s the family cheerleader.

After about 90 minutes, the multigenerational project session came to an end.

My mother-in-law had created a super cute origami box.

My mother-in-law promised my son he could have the box if he helped clean up his project area.

He promptly used the box for his current beloved toy.

I finished the embellishments on my goodie bags. I was looking forward to the fun time I would have later on that evening.

It was a nice and relaxing start to a fun Sunday. It doesn’t get much better than this.

Margot and Kanesha

http://itsafullnest.wordpress.com/2010/09/20/a-multigenerational-business-i-love-it/

to be entered into the drawing for $50 toward a Biscuit Bag!  Time runs out at midnight, September 25!

Tell us, “What is the oddest thing that you carry in your purse?”

When I’m at work, focused on a task, and forgetting about the outside world, my mobile phone will buzz.

Picture message!

There are other times I’m in a meeting that has gone too long. I’m glazing over and going brain-dead. I’m instantly jolted back to life when my mobile phone buzzes.

Picture message!

My mother-in-law often sends picture messages to me so I can have a quick peek into what my kids are doing while I’m away from them. I love it! I especially love that my mother-in-law initiated this picture-taking practice, about two years ago, without me prompting her to do so.

The pictures allow me to instantly connect with the kid as soon as I enter the house. I can ask them to explain what they were doing when my mother-in-law captured them with her phone.

I think it’s very sweet that my mother-in-law takes the time to snap pictures because she thinks (and actually knows) I will enjoy seeing my kids while I’m busy at work. And yes, I always enjoy it.

Here are my recent favorites:

My mother-in-law and my son were at the library. He picked out this magazine because he’s fascinated with the Eiffel Tower.

Chilly soccer practice

My mother-in-law was picking up the exhausted middle schooler. Look at all that stuff.

My mother-in-law is creating a Halloween costume with my daughter – made of Duck Tape.

To be continued…

My mother-in-law is helping my little artist learn the difference between his right and left hand (instead of the right and wrong hand).